A retelling of the Classic tale, The Three Little Pigs. With a twist.
Once upon a time, many full moons ago, there was a King, named Ima Livingrich, the ruler of Richfield. While on a hunting excursion, he discovered a clutch of three dragon eggs.
So excited was King Livingrich, that he said to his personal aide-de-camp, Leather Smallwallet, “I shall hatch, raise and train these dragons proving my power and ability to control nature to the fullest. I shall go down in history as the mighty Dragon King.”
Leather Smallwallet knew better than to disagree with King Livingrich, but he didn’t believe taking this clutch of eggs was a good idea.
“Sire, with all due respect, what if the mother dragon is watching us right now,” Smallwallet said peering left and right and over the cliff. “She will surely kill us before we make our way back to the castle.”
King Livingrich couldn’t believe his own ears. “Who are you to tell the king what he can or cannot do? Pack these eggs and hide them well, so that the dragon mother cannot see them or smell them. And, hurry up about it.”
While packing, Smallwallet accidently dropped one of the eggs from the pack. It rolled down the cliff and hit a tree.
King Livingrich and his aide Smallwallet made their way down the cliff to retrieve the fallen dragon egg and headed back to the castle unbeknownst to the mother dragon.
Once home, the king hid the clutch of eggs in a secret spot in the dungeon, where they stayed for many moons. King Livingrich had no idea why the eggs weren’t hatching and finally confided in his queen what he had done.
Queen Silver Iris told him he was an idiot and he had no power over nature. She told him that the eggs should be given to a true power of nature and she knew just who that person was. To save her king’s name and pride, Queen Silver Iris instructed Leather Smallwallet to have a carriage readied, for she would be taking an excursion.
With the clutch of eggs in tow, she traveled over the valley and through the woods to a witch that knew a ritual of dragon blood and fire.
Queen Silver Iris and the Witch of Shoatland, Hortense Whitemeat, had a lovely afternoon drinking tea and discussing the clutch of eggs. They came to a mutual agreement. This witch happened to be a pig rancher and decided she would keep these dragons and raise them as her own adopted pigs. The dragons would be none the wiser.
The clutch of eggs hatched soon after the witch received them.
The witch named her first adopted pig Brutanas, the Slow. He was the one that fell down the cliff. He had cognitive challenges and wasn’t particularly good at much of anything. He only wanted to stay home with the witch and nap as much as she would allow.
The witch named her second adopted pig Toiddrus, The Mammoth. He was fat and lazy. Encouraging him to do anything productive usually took bribery of food.
The witch named her third adopted pig Cerdas the Clever. He was a motivated pig and helped around the house all the time. He tried to teach Brutanas the basics of life. He tried to encourage Toiddrus to show more ambition. He cooked, he cleaned. He wrote spells. He helped with ranch duties. He repaired anything that needed repairing.
When the adopted pigs became too old and their wingspan too large to live under the witch’s roof, she sent them out in the world to live on their own. She told them they could come back to visit anytime they wanted, but they need to be big pigs now and go make their own way in the world.
Brutanas and Toiddrus made a big stink about leaving the house and initially refused. They locked themselves in their respective rooms and told their witch that they were going to stay there forever. The witch told them that they will want to eat eventually, and they were to get no more food from her. So, they could stay in their rooms until they got hungry, then they must leave and go find their way in the world; make their fortune and build their forever homes.
Finally, Brutanas and Toiddrus had no choice, because they were starving, so they left. Considering how challenged Brutanas was, he merely built a house out of straw. As Toiddrus was plain lazy, he merely built his house out of sticks. When Brutanas finished building his house, he flew over to Toiddrus’ house and laid in a hammock until Toiddrus was finished building his house. Then, they sang and danced and played together the rest of the day and night.
Now, Cerdas had always been the overachiever, so the witch knew she would have no argument from him. Cerdas happily moved out. He was already making his fortune designing castles for kings around the world. He drew up architectural plans for his own house when he was a mere one hundred years old. It would be many centuries before he built it. But when he did, his house was brick and considered the safest house in the land. He designed a gigantic kitchen, for he knew his brothers would never make fortunes of their own. So, the three adopted brothers ate their meals together every day in Cerdas’ grand house of brick.
One day, a wolf was hunting for his meal and wandered by the lane where the three adopted pigs lived. He saw Brutanas’ straw house first.
The wolf walked up to the door and saw a sign. Now, this wolf had terrible vision, so he put on his glasses to see the sign, which read “The House of Brutanas Pig.” The wolf knocked on the door and said “Piggy Pig! Piggy Pig! Let me in! Let me in!
But, Brutanas saw the wolf through the keyhole and he answered back, “No, no no! Not by the scales of my chinny, chin, chin.”
The wolf showed his teeth and said, “Then, I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.”
So, the wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the straw house down. Then the wolf ran as fast as he could towards the adopted pig with his eyes closed tight and jaws opened wide. The wolf bit down as hard as he could. But the adopted pig flew away to his brothers stick house as fast as he could.
The wolf couldn’t believe the pig got away from him. He ran outside, looked high in the sky and saw Brutanas from afar and said, “That is one big pig.”
Hungry, the wolf continued down the lane, making his way to the second house made of sticks. He smelled the adopted pigs, Toiddrus and Brutanas inside and his mouth began to water as he thought about how good this pork would taste.
So, he knocked on the door and said: “Piggy Pigs! Piggy Pigs! Let me in! Let me in!
But, Toiddrus and Brutanas saw the wolf’s pointy ears through the keyhole and they answered back, “No, no no! Not by the scales on our chinny, chin, chins.”
The wolf showed his teeth and said, “Then, I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.”
So, the wolf huffed and he puffed and he blew the stick house down. The wolf became so excited about the prospect of two pigs, he closed his eyes tightly, ran straight ahead and bit down as hard as he could. But he clamped on nothing but air, because the adopted pigs flew away as fast as their huge wings could carry them to their brother Cerdas’ brick house.
The wolf couldn’t believe the pigs got away from him a second time. He ran outside, looked high in the sky and saw Brutanas and Toiddrus from afar and said, “It’s true, Pigs can fly.”
He made his way down the lane to the third house. The three adopted pigs knew the wolf wanted to eat them, and that was true. The wolf was starving as he hadn’t eaten all day. He had worked up quite the appetite chasing the pigs and now he knew he had three delicious pork dinners inside this brick house. Oh, what a lovely feast they would make.
The wolf knocked on the door and said: “Piggy Pigs! Piggy Pigs! Let me in! Let me in!
But, Cerdas, Toiddrus and Brutanas saw the wolf’s narrow eyes through the keyhole so they answered back, “No, no no! Not by the scales on our chinny, chin, chins.”
The wolf showed his teeth and said, “Then, I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.” Well, he huffed and he puffed. He puffed and he huffed. And, he huffed and he puffed. But he could not blow the brick house down. At last he was so tired that he couldn’t huff and he couldn’t puff any longer. So, he stopped to rest. He realized he was not going to be able to blow this brick house down. But not wanting to leave this triple pork feast, he decided to go to sleep and give this some more thought in the morning. After he has had rest, he will be able to come up with a plan. All smart wolves come up with good plans after rest.
As he slept, he dreamt he had royal chefs. These chefs made delicious white meat meals for him over the coming days. Tomorrow’s meal would be brown sugar spiced pork loin with potatos au gratin and asparagus. The next day he would have roasted maple-glazed pork tenderloin with baked potato and spinach salad. And, the next day he would have sweet balsamic glazed pork chops with potato salad and corn on the cob smothered in butter. And, for days after, he would enjoy bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwiches made especially for him.
When the wolf woke, he first wiped his face as he had drool seeping out the side of his mouth from his culinary dream. Then, he tried to stretch his legs and realized he was squashed up and flat on his back in a wooden box. He felt around the top and the sides of the box and tried to push the container open. Then, the wolf started to pound and thrash and howl until he felt blood seeping from his paws. The wolf tried to scratch his way out, until he felt blood seep from his claws. The wolf laid still but continued to wail and howl and growl.
The three adopted pigs were in the dining room preparing for their meal while the wolf whined and moaned and groaned. Cerdas, remember, made his fortune designing castles for kings around the world. But he also designed the first crematoriums for mortuaries, making yet another fortune. Cerdas had one of his fire box designs built in his own kitchen that he used as an oven. He discovered long ago that he enjoyed the occasional baked human or bear, or wolf cooked at one third to ashes.
Cerdas invited his brothers to breathe their fire into each end of the box, allowing them to be chef for a day. The three adopted pigs ate the perfectly baked wolf for supper with a nice bottle of Chianti. Their witch would have been so proud.
THE END