“When she transformed into a butterfly, the caterpillars spoke not of her beauty, but of her weirdness. They wanted her to change back into what she always had been. But, she had wings.”
This quote by Dean Jackson can surely be influential for those that fear change.
Freddy is a full-fledged fretter. He suffers from anxieties which hinder his happiness. He has a hard time dealing with change, among other things. Maybe you have a “Freddy” in your life who is wary of change, of the unknown.
Why is Freddy fearful of change?
The fear of change is called Metathesiophobia. The origin of the word comes from Greek ‘meta’ meaning change and ‘phobos’ meaning fear. This phobia can greatly affect a person’s personal and professional life.
To quote the Greek philosopher, Heraclitus: “The only thing that is constant is change.” Amazing that this man who lived a life of 60 years in the time before the Common Era (about 400 years before Christ was born) could be such a profound visionary. Heraclitus was known as the “weeping philosopher.” Why did he weep? Did he know what was to come of the world? And, if so, how? Was he a time traveler? Did he practice astral projections?
I digress. Back to my friend, Freddy.
I often wonder what has happened to individuals in their past who fear or resist change. Must be something. Or, is it that absolutely nothing happened and their adolescent years were spent completely sheltered. This is Freddy’s backstory. He lived such a sheltered life as a kid, that he didn’t have any real experiences to prove (to himself) that progress and change can be good. Thus, the unknown, the uncertainty of what comes with change is too difficult for Freddy’s mind to assimilate. Freddy was perfectly content doing nothing new. He felt safe with his constant routine.
“We don’t resist change because we’re neurotic or cowards,” says psychologist Harriet Lerner. “The will to change and the desire to maintain sameness coexist for good reasons, and they’re both essential to our emotional health and to the continuity of our identity and our relationships and our stability.”
I’ve read that people raised by extremely overprotective parents have tendencies to fail in school and work. They aren’t taught the skills necessary to thrive and survive in the outside world. They grow into adults with low self-esteem, no initiative and a low tolerance for frustration and hardships. So, it is logical that the Freddys of the world would much rather lead a life of constant sameness. But, as our ole Greek buddy said: it is change that is constant. The Freddys of the world are challenged when posed with any kind of change.
How can Freddy free himself from the fret-trap?
Freddy is a smart guy. He does recognize that his fear of change keeps him from growing intellectually and emotionally. Fortunately, Freddy has a circle of people who care for him and want to help him through his times of fret. This support gives him the emotional power to adjust.
Freddy reads a lot. Reading is the gateway to opportunity; we all know that. Some of the things Freddy has learned which have been helping him greatly are:
Surround yourself with a support network. Freddy has his long-time friend, Felicity, who is fierce and fearless. Freddy has his wife, Laura, who is a strong woman born under the sign of Leo. Mrs. Freddy is as fearless as Felicity and has enough self-confidence to wrap around her entire family. Freddy’s lioness is smart enough to realize that she cannot coddle him. Yet she offers unconditional love and support encouraging him to talk and write about his specific fears. She offers words of wisdom, which he contemplates. Both strong women feed his confidence which helps to starve his fears.
Keep a journal to track any fears that arise. As Freddy’s loving lioness Laura suggests, he writes down any fear that enters his psyche in a notebook. Next to that entry, he writes imagined scenarios that could help himself work through that fear. He also writes down the scary feelings that his imagination creates so that he can compare the likelihood of both. He discovered that when he makes note of an imagined fear, he realizes that it likely won’t happen. This is powerful.
Practice stepping outside the comfort zone, starting small and working up. Freddy decided to try things he thought he could never do, imagining himself as a risk-taker. One of his first choices in stepping out of the zone was to join Toastmasters, to help him tackle his fear of public speaking. His next self-imposed challenge was to take a drive, all by himself, across the state and back. Freddy lives in Maryland, so that helped minimize the fear, somewhat. If he lived in Texas, where I do…I would have suggested driving from one side of Houston to the other as a start. That could take an hour on a good day.
Expect hardship, but don’t let it stop you from trying something new. Freddy’s adventure across state helped him tremendously. He expected to be full of anxieties as he drove all by himself. But (and this is a big but), he enjoyed himself thoroughly the entire drive, pleasantly surprising himself as he met new people and drove routes he had never experienced before exploring the beauty of his home state.
Change can be daunting
Freddy’s employer of 15 years called an impromptu meeting with all employees. The boss announced that he had decided to sell his company. The deal was already made and the new management would be taking over within the next three months. Can we say freak out? Oh, yeah, this news came as a big shock to most employees. Even the uber-confident people felt the shock of this impending and difficult change.
Freddy had already started journaling prior to this news, so he knew exactly what to do; and how it could help to alleviate his anxieties. He started making notes about his fears and the unknown of a new management. Freddy listed out all the potential scenarios: good, bad and ugly. This journaling was of great help. Why? He imagined what changes might occur, and put it on paper, pros and cons. This kept him from freezing up and gave him the confidence to work through the challenges and adjust. By the way, the new management was an amazing group who allowed every employee the opportunity to talk privately about anything and everything. They initiated an open-door policy, which helped the employees feel comfortable discussing difficult topics, privately.
Freddy’s learned strategies were key to dealing with this challenge. Our friend Freddy, the scardiest cat ever, even initiated an in-house support group so that he could help his co-workers through the management change.
“Courage is more exhilarating than fear, and in the long run it is easier. We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down.” Eleanor Roosevelt
Shifting mindsets
Optimistic people can be quick to challenge anxious people to merely change their mindsets to have a more positive outlook on life. Is it that easy? People who suffer from phobias deal with varying levels of anxiety. Shifting mindsets can help. But, it does not happen overnight. Changing negative or fearful mindsets is a process and one that may be a life-long practice. Here are some strategies our hero, Freddy, shared in his support group to help his co-workers shift to a more positive and confident mindset:
Confront fears. Recognizing, embracing and facing any fear helps to grant strength to develop a strategy to conquer it. If one hides from their fear they can’t fight it. Confronting it helps them gain the confidence to formulate a plan to beat it. Or, at least manage it.
Meditation. Wait! Don’t go! Hear me out. A quiet mind is something a lot of people say is impossible to achieve. They say who has the time to just sit and do nothing. I understand that; our daily lives are constantly on the move. Meditation takes practice, effort. Start slowly by taking one or two minutes sitting in a quiet space with no distractions. Just breathe. Concentrate on each breath, slowly and deeply in and out. Thoughts will try to take over and when that happens, it’s ok and normal. Ignore those thoughts and refocus on the goal of breathing which helps to alleviate the stressors of the day.
Positive thinking. We all have the power to control our own thoughts. Fully realize this power and it becomes easier to maintain a positive attitude. We know that this is much easier for the optimist and can be challenging for the pessimist and the fretters. It’s a commitment and one that takes practice by recognizing negative thoughts and replacing them with positive thoughts. This strategy works well with meditation by focusing on breathing incalmness and breathing out stress and negativity.
Choices. Choose the mindset that everything will be ok and that every challenge is manageable. Choose to remove the dread of change and instead look at it as a new adventure. Embrace the mystery that will unfold and soon it becomes familiar and normal. And dare I say exciting and pleasant!
Freddy’s story is one that is common, especially in this day and age. Change happens and history proves that it will continue to affect each of us. And, we all deal with change in our own ways. When we embrace the challenges, we can manage appropriately. If you have a Freddy in your life, keep in mind that the struggle is real. Recognize the condition and offer support. Encourage some of the strategies that have worked for our friend.
You’ll watch your Freddy morph from full-fledged fretter to a confident and calm ambassador of change.